Let Me Be Honest

Loveships with the male species has been a roller coaster ride for a large part of my 24 years on this Earth. From simple non-emotional hookups to being blinded by love, I have experienced the many dimensions of relationships and I think I think  I’m finally getting the hang of it. 

*True Story Alert*

Back in March I went to a homie’s birthday party in Brooklyn. I was so excited to go out and catch up with my good friends “F” and “C” because whenever we get together in Brooklyn we laugh with tremendous joy and our usual worries melt away. What made this night different was a little prayer I made silently and wishfully asking God to introduce me to a good guy.

*Fast Forward 3 Hours and Two 40’s later*

“C” and I were on the steps when this deep skinned bearded man smiled at me. It was a very sweet and subtle smile that automatically drew me in. Now…men usually do not smile at me. I get many stares and cat calls like “DAMN YO BALD HEAD IS SEXY”. So when HE smiled I couldn’t let him walk away. Being the Aries that I am I signaled him over my way and we chatted and he made me giggle by complimenting my cheekbones. HE screamed rare.

In the following weeks we ate Thai, watched Robot Chicken and The Lord of DogTown. We casually mentioned the deaths of our fathers and shared our eclectic music palettes over the sweet and sour smell of trees. 

You would think it ended well but NOPE. The lingering of the wrongs of my ex were still with me and even though I prayed, meditated and forgave my ex, I seriously thought I was okay. But every time my new HE did not text back right away or had to cancel a date to hang out with his mom, my mind automatically became enraged and thought “Mom?….oh you mean Veronica….you piece of slime!”.

After our few weeks of 5 percent happiness and 95 percent insecurity, my guarded heart and indecisiveness HE had to call it off. I genuinely liked HIM which forced me to look within myself and see where I dropped the ball and let HIM slip through my fingers. 

Through this short term connection I realized many things, one being that my ex was still in the way of my happiness. Another that me having my guard up the whole time did not protect me from hurt that HE was not going to cause in the first place. The false guard I created against HIM as well as others was completely unnecessary. It took this connection for me to truly see that. It did not end well for HIM and I but it was still a blessing within a struggle because I am ready and renewed for a man that compliments me and whom I can share my full self with.

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